Is The Desire For Marriage Wrong?
In my effort to communicate the challenges of singleness in my last post, I realise that I may have come across as cynical or not valuing singleness enough, which was not my intention.
For many years, I struggled to admit even to myself that I wanted to get married because I didn't want to seem discontent or place marriage as an idol. It caused me to unintentionally harden my heart, brushing the deep desires of my heart off and labelling them as 'silly.'
It is a topic that is often accompanied by a lot of heartache and a subject that, for many years, I have shied away from writing about. In general, I don't believe that the Christian church supports singles well, and I think that in many Christian mission organisations, there are a lot of expectations placed on single missionaries that are not always expected of married missionaries.
The reality is that both seasons, no matter how long, have their challenges and benefits, and I also believe that some people find one season much easier than others.
The last couple of years have been a work in progress as God has needed to heal my heart from disappointment and unmet expectations. The subject of marriage is a sensitive one- some married people shout from the rooftops how great it is and that everyone should get married. Other singles are always quick to convince you that they are content or not wanting to be set up, etc.
Even as I write this post, I can hear the valid counterarguments that most singles make. Marriage is not guaranteed, nor does our relationship status determine our worth.
Can we desire marriage?
Is it possible to desire marriage and be content in singleness? Yes, God has placed the desire in your heart for a reason, which is not bad. It is also possible to be in a relationship and not be content.
What if you are finding being single difficult? Does that mean marriage has become an idol? No, not necessarily. Obviously, it is very easy to say that something is not an idol rather than admitting it might be; however, it comes down to your heart posture. (A little added note: It is possible to unintentionally make an idol out of marriage, no matter your age or marital status)
Several years ago, I was faced with the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I had placed my application for ministry on hold to settle back into life in Australia after a rocky reentry post living in Africa. The plan was to return to the mission field long-term.
At that point, I was still recovering from heartbreak and deeply desired, but I also felt called to move back to Africa. The ministry I wanted to join was in a remote village in central Africa. Initially, the team had no other singles. Because it was a pioneering ministry, we were the only ministry in the area, and the closest place with other mission organisations/ teams was in a city 6hrs drive.
Knowing that God was calling me into ministry but also wanting to get married, I had a choice to make- Africa, where most people on the mission field were single females who never married, or staying in Australia and getting married.
Well, I knew there was no guarantee that I would get married if I stayed in Australia, but I also knew that if I did, I would always feel settled.
So, I chose ministry, laying all of my deepest desires at the altar, knowing there was a high chance that I would remain in the middle of nowhere in Africa as an old maid. (which there is nothing wrong with)
I knew that if God called me to ministry as a single female, He would give me the strength and provide the community to support me.
It didn't make the decision any easier, but my prayer was that I would be able to thrive wherever I was placed. I didn't know how it would work or what other struggles I would face, but I had peace believing that if I remained single for the rest of my life, God would give me the strength and also provide the community to support me.
There were people on that team that I developed good working relationships with and certain people who I still count as close friends.
When starting to write my thoughts, I wanted to share about the value of marriage and why I believe God is focused on establishing marriages and families.
However, this post is already long enough, so it will have to go in part 2.
Surrender
The journey I have been on over the last number of years has been one of complete surrender- I don't say that to push up my ego or make you think that I am a perfect person because it is far from it.
Whether you are single or married, content or not, God asks for your whole heart. To have a posture and be willing to do what He asks of you no matter the cost.
It is not an easy road. If being an on-fire Christian was easy, we would have far more of them. But I guarantee it is worth it, 10000%.
Until next time,
Melissa
Help, I'm Still Single! Am I The Problem?
For years, I struggled to admit I wanted to get married because I thought it would make me look like a desperate old spinster.
I don't need a man, I just need to be content.
I wrestled with it, squashing down those desires and longings and rolling with the heartbreaks. Marriage wasn't a right but a gift. Not everyone gets married, and it's obviously not on the cards for me.
I have served in two Christian organization and I can testify what you just said is true. Not that I don't entertain upholding ultimate Christian purity before marriage but the kind of assumptions married colleagues make in those spaces can be quite intimidating. It's like only single people are capable of sexual immorality